Funny Quotes

You can build a throne with bayonets, but it's difficult to sit on it.

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

It's funny how the littlest things can make you feel larger than life; the right lyric, the most heartfelt melody, the clearest message. Love.

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

The great American novel has not only already been written, it has already been rejected.

Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

You're only half the man that I am, and I have half the brain that you do.

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Life can be wonderful if you're not afraid of it. All it takes is courage, imagination ... and a little dough

I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

Johnny Rotten. He's a big fan of mine. I used to see him out in the audience in England and he'd stand up and holler. He's funny. Smart too, and a nice guy. Don't think he's a jerk because he isn't.

Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made.

Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

I'm conducting slowly because I don't know the tempo.

The true God, the mighty God, is the God of ideas.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

The early bird may get the worm, but its the second mouse that gets the cheese.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Things that make you weird as a kid will make you great tomorrow.

A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn't climb over it.

I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your wand and saying a few funny words.

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.

When all think alike, then no one is thinking

Men hunt I think maybe because they have something wrong with their own equipment and they need something else to shoot.

Until now they have refused to do battle with us. They are just going places.

The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.