Funny Quotes
The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.
Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be, that's stupid. So be yourself.
The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth
Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a better way, but you don't have a universe to rule.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
One day ladies will take their computers for walks in the park and tell each other, "My little computer said such a funny thing this morning".
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon.
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
