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Funny Quotes: "The first step in exceeding your customer's expectations is to know those expectations."

The first step in exceeding your customer's expectations is to know those expectations.



Funny Quotes: "The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs."

The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs.




Funny Quotes: "If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?"

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?



Funny Quotes: "Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness."

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.




Funny Quotes: "Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.



Funny Quotes: "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you."

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.



Funny Quotes: "President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?"

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?




Funny Quotes: "The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.



Funny Quotes: "When people ask me what 'American Pie' means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to."

When people ask me what 'American Pie' means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to.



Funny Quotes: "I was in a band called The Valentines and they broke up last week."

I was in a band called The Valentines and they broke up last week.



Funny Quotes: "My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income."

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.



Funny Quotes: "Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money."

Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.




Funny Quotes: "Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on."

Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on.



Funny Quotes: "Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment"

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment



Funny Quotes: "I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra."

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.



Funny Quotes: "If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog."

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.



Funny Quotes: "To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



Funny Quotes: "A true batsman should in most of his strokes tell the truth about himself."

A true batsman should in most of his strokes tell the truth about himself.



Funny Quotes: "Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat."

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.



Funny Quotes: "Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.



Funny Quotes: "I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes."

I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes.



Funny Quotes: "When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'"

When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'



Funny Quotes: "Sure, I have advice for people starting to write. Don't. I don't need the competition."

Sure, I have advice for people starting to write. Don't. I don't need the competition.



Funny Quotes: "Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!"

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!



Funny Quotes: "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?"

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?



Funny Quotes: "High sticking, tripping, slashing, spearing, charging, hooking, fighting, unsportsmanlike conduct, interference, roughing......everything else is just figure skating."

High sticking, tripping, slashing, spearing, charging, hooking, fighting, unsportsmanlike conduct, interference, roughing......everything else is just figure skating.



Funny Quotes: "Curve: The loveliest distance between two points."

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.



Funny Quotes: "Don't cry for a man who's left you--the next one may fall for your smile."

Don't cry for a man who's left you--the next one may fall for your smile.



Funny Quotes: "The dumbest people I know are those who know it all."

The dumbest people I know are those who know it all.



Funny Quotes: "I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts."

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.



Funny Quotes: "A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.



Funny Quotes: "The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he."

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.



Funny Quotes: "I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.



Funny Quotes: "Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines."

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.



Funny Quotes: "The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves."

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.



Funny Quotes: "Copy and paste is a design error."

Copy and paste is a design error.



Funny Quotes: "We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head."

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.



Funny Quotes: "Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because listen to pop music?"

Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because listen to pop music?



Funny Quotes: "It's a funny thing... but people mostly have it backward. They think they live by what they want. But really, what guides them is what they're afraid of. What they don't want."

It's a funny thing... but people mostly have it backward. They think they live by what they want. But really, what guides them is what they're afraid of. What they don't want.



Funny Quotes: "Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush."

Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush.



Funny Quotes: "At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69."

At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69.



Funny Quotes: "Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy."

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.



Funny Quotes: "In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it."

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.



Funny Quotes: "Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods."

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.



Funny Quotes: "The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down."

The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.



Funny Quotes: "The more I know about men the more I like dogs."

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.



Funny Quotes: "Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies."

Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.



Funny Quotes: "It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.



Funny Quotes: "I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep."

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.