Funny Quotes

I would sooner read a timetable or a catalog than nothing at all.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth."

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.

Marriage is not about age; it's about finding the right person.

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

Art is so often better at theology than theology is.

You're only as sick as your secrets. Either it comes out their way or my way. I talk about myself behind my back. And I'm funny about it.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making fun of you.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.

In terms of the creative side of it, it's really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.

I have got two reasons for success and I'm standing on both of them.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?

You know what they say about big hitters...the woods are full of them.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Wendy, Wendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me saying funny things to the stars.

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve

On the wagon sped, and I, as well as my comrades, gave a despairing farewell glance at freedom as we came in sight of the long stone buildings.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The more uninteresting the letter, the more useful it is to the typographer.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it is a forgery.

I got to play with Nintendo's Wii, yes it's a funny name and not very revolutionary but it was fun whipping your arms around.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking classes.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

I wish I had a funny story.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.

Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony.

Those who have never had a father can at any rate never know the sweets of losing one. To most men the death of his father is a new lease of life.