Funny Quotes

Whatever with the past has gone, The best is always yet to come.

You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

All things being equal, people will do business with a friend; all things being unequal, people will still do business with a friend.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose.

They call me, The Sharkalator

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

Do not worry about not holding high position; worry rather about playing your proper role. Worry not that no one knows of you; seek to be worth knowing.

If even dying is to be made a social function, then, grant me the favor of sneaking out on tiptoe without disturbing the party.

People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home.

Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.

I moved to New York to do theater, and I got cast in a play that was funny, and then I was the funny guy. I did a movie that was funny, and then I was the funny guy.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it softly.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

The bigotry of the nonbeliever is for me nearly as funny as the bigotry of the believer.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.

When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

No matter how you travel, it's still you going.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

Yesterday I was lying, today I am telling the truth.

& I'm all up all up all up in the bank with the funny face

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

You put out a funny podcast, you talk about bak chor mee. I will say mee siam mai hum.

Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

Baseball is like church. Many attend few understand.

I'm worried he's going to ... do something crazy." "He lives in a hole in the ground, dresses funny, and occasionally eats his assistants," Eve said. "Define crazy.