Funny Quotes

On this special Fathers Day, we'd like to wish all of you a very Happy Birthday.

It's always cool on the airplane when people are watching “SVU.” It’s funny. And it’s always the reruns.

I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake.

I think people like comedies and I think concept driven comedies seem to be working when it's a clear concept and you deliver funny stuff.

They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.

We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.

I come from a background of hanging out with friends and shooting videos with them, with funny stuff coming out of the group. I guess we got the same charge jocks get out of sports.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned.

Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition.

I don't really necessarily think I'm a funny guy, but I like the opportunity to take on something that I don't feel I'm the best at doing.

As a member of an escorted tour, you don't even have to know the Matterhorn isn't a tuba.

What did the carrot say to the wheat? Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.

"Married with Children" was racy, it was sexist, it was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.

Other things are just food. But chocolate's chocolate.

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.

Age is wisdom if one has lived ones life properly.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass! Down with the beer!

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

What doesn't kill you makes you smaller

If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.

I was six foot one inch when I started fighting, but with all the uppercuts I'm up to six foot five inches.

Out of sight of land the sailor feels safe. It is the beach that worries him.

When you're riding, only the race in which you're riding is important.

Not being funny doesn't make you a bad person. Not having a sense of humor does.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?

When I was a kid, I read comics. But when I saw how funny it was, and how wonderfully absurd, I said, "You know, I gotta do this."

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.

I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs.

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.

Linux is only free if your time has no value.

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.

In the factory we make cosmetics. In the store we sell hope.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

It's so funny looking back, but my so-called overnight success actually took 15 years. I remember when I didn't have any money, and my only car was mom's Hyundai.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

You can stump any stoner with one question: What were we just talking about?

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.