Funny Quotes

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.

I hate vacations. If you can build buildings, why sit on the beach?

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.

There was a young man of Herne Bay who was making some fireworks one day: but he dropped his cigar in the gunpowder jar. There was a young man of Herne Bay.

I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.

The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world.

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.

A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well - almost.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.

Money is the best deodorant.

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

Translators are like ninjas. If you notice them, they’re no good.

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

If inflation continues to soar, you're going to have to work like a dog just to live like one

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me ... We spend our lives doing nothing for each other.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

That's the nature of research you don't know what in hell you're doing.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money

Hate me for who I am, I don't care. At least I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not.

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

[On what bugged him] A fine city with too many socialists and mosquitoes. At least you can spray the mosquitoes.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100 and get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."

Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

The decathlon is nine Mickey Mouse events and the 1500 metres.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Only a few things are really important.

Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers - six if one went to Harvard.

Playing against a defensive opponent is just as bad as making love to a tree.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.

Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.