Funny Quotes

There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

Give me snuff, whiskey, and Swedes, and I will build a railroad to hell.

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.

The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living one degree below your means.

What people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidity.

Life is too short to spend in negativity. So I have made a conscious effort to not be where I don't want to be.

Sailors, with their built in sense of order, service and discipline, should really be running the world.

I can't get divorced because I'm a Catholic. Catholics don't get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.

I'd rather not have a moment when I'm known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer.

We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Like Richard Price and the late, great Elmore Leonard, Matt Burgess is one of those cool, quick and funny writers who can turn a seemingly routine crime caper into something special.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

I add a smile to everything I wear and that has worked great for me.

And do you know a funny thing? I'm almost fifty years old and I've never understood anything in my whole life.

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

Janetty tried to dive through the window to escape, what an act of cowardice.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.

I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats f**king in a sock.

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

People do not deserve to have good writing, they are so pleased with bad.

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

Fast is only cool if it's melodic and has substance.

I look at the NBA as a football game without the helmet.

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

Laughing together heartily at the same thing forms an instant bond.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.