Funny Quotes

Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.

There'll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read 'em but all that's gonna matter is that little dash between 'em.

Wind is to us what money is to life on shore.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!

Television: The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it.

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

An actor who knows his business ought to be able to make the London telephone directory sound enthralling.

This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

A foolproof plan for not getting a job - show up for your interview wearing flip flops.

I may not be able to pull on the smallest of holds, but those I can pull on I can pull on all day long.

It's funny how something so normal and mundane that you see every day-your body-can be controversial. The shock value is intense. It's like carrying an art piece around with you all the time.

On life's vast ocean diversely we sail. Reasons the card, but passion the gale.

I've climbed with some of the best climbers in the world, more importantly, to me, they are some of the best people in the world. That's another reason why I climb.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God??

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.

Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

Nature itself is the best physician.

You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

The best love affairs are those we never had.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I don't like half the folks I love.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Golf's a funny game. You can be playing poorly and then go and win a tournament.

To make a million, start with $900,000.

A good vacation is over when you begin to yearn for your work.

Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

Originality consists in trying to be like everybody else and failing.

Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.

Every time I hear the name Joe Louis my nose starts to bleed.

Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name...'

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.

The effect of sailing is produced by a judicious arrangement of the sails to the direction of the wind.

Streets crowded with people strolling, or sitting at outdoor cafes. And always, talking, gesturing, singing, laughing. I liked Rome immediately.Everybody was a performer.

I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.

Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.

Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late.

The humble Cumulus humilis - never hurt a soul.

We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Just a reminder - a guidebook is no substitute for skill, experience, judgment and lots of tension.