Funny Quotes

A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.

My handicap? Woods and irons.

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.

It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Life is short, so enjoy it to the fullest.

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing.

In Ireland the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs.

My little computer said such a funny thing this morning.

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. 'Yes', she replied 'but not the same ones.'

Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we'd be here every freakin' day.

I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast.

The biggest lesson I've learned . . . was that if you have all the fresh water you want to drink and all the food you want to eat, you ought never to complain about anything.

He is so shaggy. People are amazed when he gets up and they suddenly realize they have been talking to the wrong end.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

Beer is an improvement on water itself.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously.

Life is something that everyone should try at least once.

The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

People think [baseball players] make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000.

I have read your book and much like it.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet.

I used to roll up: this is a hold up, ain't nuthin funny. Stop smiling, be still, don't nuthin move but the money.

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.

You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father s. He's more particular. The father is always a Republican towards his son, and his mother's always a Democrat.

I really wanted to be nasty and mean and bad. It's so much easier than being the good girl

What do women want? Shoes.

Money will come when you are doing the right thing.

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

Most of my ideas just come out funny.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living.

Anyone can drink beer, but it takes intelligence to enjoy beer.

Everyone I know is looking for solace, hope and a tasty snack.

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.

Man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in.