Funny Quotes

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.

I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.

The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.

In my world, everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!

In the dog-eat-dog economy, the Doberman is boss.

The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished.

On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.

Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

Journalists are like dogs, when ever anything moves they begin to bark.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.

I have a three-piece suit. I’m an art collector. I have a funny accent. So I’m probably the killer.

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright.

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

I hate storms, but calms undermine my spirits.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

The world's strongest animals are plant eaters. Gorillas, Buffaloes, Elephants and me.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Pain is temporary, film is forever.

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.

It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

If you cannot be positive, then at least be quiet.

I won't cry for you, my mascara's too expensive

Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks--it says, Goodbye.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.