Funny Quotes

If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing. And he vows his passion is, Infinite, undying. Lady make note of this -- One of you is lying.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.

I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

A true heiress is never mean to anyone - except a girl who steals your boyfriend.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat to live.

There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides.

Big Poppa Pump is your hook up, and the next heavyweight championship of the world!

Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind.

You can pretend anything and master it.

I can't take his genius any more.

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

Love your haters - they're your biggest fans

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

The truth is funny. Honest discovery, observation, and reaction is better than contrived invention.

Put every great teacher in a room, and they'd agree about everything, but put their disciples in there and they'd argue about everything.

Women were afraid of me, they were scared to death. But I always say be yourself, if you're funny then let your sense of humor go there. I mean there's no sense hiding what you feel.

It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.

No, I don't understand my husband's theory of relativity, but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted.

Haters...are all failures. It's 100% across the board. No one who is truly brilliant at anything is a hater.

Why, except as a means of livelihood, a man should desire to act on the stage when he has the whole world to act in, is not clear to me.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Growth is a funny sort of concept. For example, our GNP increases every time we build a prison. Well, okay, it's growth in a sense.

Until God opens the next door, praise Him in the hallway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.

Do you want to be mesmermized by the physical phenomenon?