Funny Quotes

I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.

There's no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

Why don't you say "What?" if you like to sleep with your own sister.

There's a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork. And it's wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork, but sometimes people just walk along them the wrong way.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Aw, how could he Jorge Orta lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico.

The men liked to put me down as the best woman painter. I think I'm one of the best painters.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

In God we trust; all others bring data.

Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work, it doesn't matter. But work is third.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Life is a combination of magic and pasta.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.