Funny Quotes

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

If I don't have anything to do all day, I might not even put my pants on.

True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.

Careful grooming may take twenty years off a woman's age, but you can't fool a flight of stairs.

Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar.

The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.

History repeats itself, the first as tragedy, then as farce.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

A friend is long sought, hardly found, and with difficulty kept.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

If you want to be a photographer, first leave home

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

The guitar is your first wings. It's assigned and designed to unfold your vision and imagination.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Some people look for a beautiful place, others make a place beautiful.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

Traveling is like flirting with life. It's like saying, 'I would stay and love you, but I have to go; this is my station.