Funny Quotes

I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.

If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

There's nothing better than cake but more cake.

I'm too drunk to taste this chicken

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

People have to follow their hearts, and if their hearts lead them to Wal-Mart, so be it.

I never practice my guitar. From time to time I just open the case & throw in a piece of raw meat.

Life is a gamble, we scramble for money, I might crack a smile, but ain't a damn thing funny.

These young guys are playing checkers. I'm out there playing chess.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Check thyself before thy wreck thyself.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

It will be funny in about 10 years.

May God defend me from my friends: I can defend myself from my enemies.

Good things come to those who wait.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

I have nothing to lose, but something to gain.

I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Basketball really had its origin in Indiana, which remains the center of the sport.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant.'

When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite.

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.