Funny Quotes

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Some people say funny things - but I say things funny.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Music to me is like breathing. I don't get tired of breathing, I don't get tired of music.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

It's tough to get out of bed to do roadwork at 5 am when you've been sleeping in silk pajamas

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.

All my life I’ve been a lady bruiser, a wrong chooser, school refuser, drug abuser, born loser; clothes bummy, nose runny, it wasn’t funny

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Pressure is something you feel when you do not know what you are doing.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

This is Leo. I'm the... What's my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or..." "Repair boy." "Very funny, Piper.

At sixteen, I was a funny, skinny little thing, all eyelashes and legs. And then, suddenly people told me it was gorgeous. I thought they had gone mad.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.

There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men's advances as long as they are in cash

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Your wrinkles either show that you're nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you're always smiling.

Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

You think you're funny! You think you're funny Cena, huh? The only pose you're going to be doing tonight is lying on your back with me on top!

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

All things come to those who wait.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed - like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.

As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless.