Funny Quotes
I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.
I still have goals. Seeing those doubters out there, it's gonna be funny seeing them eat their words.
Life is just a bowl of cherries, don't take it serious, its mysterious. Life is just a bowl of cherries, so live and laugh and laugh at love, love a laugh, laugh and love.
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation.
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
The three toughest fighters I ever fought were Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Robinson. I fought Sugar so many times, I'm surprised I'm not diabetic.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause ? you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt humans with 15-round, 30-round, even 150-round magazines.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
