Funny Quotes

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

Girls have got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.

Remember that true beauty comes from within - from within bottles, jars, compacts, and lipstick tubes

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.

If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

I love you like a fat kid love cake.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

My goal in sailing isn't to be brilliant or flashy in individual races, just to be consistent over the long run.

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Unless in communicating with it one says exactly what one means, trouble is bound to result.

Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games.

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

The only reason why you were WWE Champion for a year, is because Triple H didn't want to work Tuesdays.

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan

Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity.

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.

Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Believe in yourself and don't care about haters.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.