Hilarious Quotes

Hilarious Quote of the day

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

My life is an open book. With illustrations.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

Anybody wants to call me the Triple H of Ring of Honor, I think that's hilarious. I would prefer to call Triple H the CM Punk of the WWE.

I loved this smart, funny, big-hearted novel. As hilarious and wise as early Philip Roth, The Mathematician's Shiva will delight and move you.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.

Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is.

I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.

There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.

If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

I always say, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips!

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.