Hilarious Quotes

Cryptic Dad is cryptic, ' I muttered ... We'd hung out all day today. Was there no time in there he could have said, 'Oh, hey, meet me at the magical bookcase at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow, cool?

I was like, 'Dude, make me look bad. Please. I want to look ugly. I want to wear orange pants.

Don’t do that? This is your sage advice?”“Yeah.” He burped and blew it out the side of his mouth. “Sorry, the burritos we had for lunch are kinda comin’ back on me.

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly.

He even dressed up for you. He only has one stain on his t-shirt.- Rylie Cruz

Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. "I love you..., " she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. "I have to show you... my butt.

The point is, if we find out you’ve been horrible to Harry —”“— and make no mistake, we’ll hear about it.“even if you won’t let Harry use the fellytone

No way, that would kill my diet for the week. I don't know how you can stand to eat so unhealthy, Quinn. Just consider it an amuse-biatch.

Just remember: when your nerd talks to someone about "man tar", it has nothing to do with the stickiness on your sheets.

Don’ttempt the scorpion if you don’t want toget stung.

Oh, my God!" Ignatius bellowed from the front of the house. "What an egregious insult to good taste.

Wake up & Smell The Hot Chocolate ! ~ Eddie Havens

I find a good cliche very comforting in times of stress." said the Sage

You & I Both Know That You're NOT the New Orleans PD's Favorite Son! - Sam Deeds

I’m sorry that I don’t like your tattoos.”I walked away. I walked back to him. “I mean that I don’t like tattoos, not just your tattoos. I like your skin, though.”I walked away.

You can win arguments only when you ask questions. Now I know why wives win all the arguments

My inner caveman demands she knows I'm a good provider. I'll get her the best booth, order any food she wants, kill potential predators, and buy her the best cave on the block".

Miniature Emilie came along. Lincoln could tell she was watching him, but he tried not to encourage her. He didn't want to betray Beth. They wouldn't let you ride Splash Mountain, he thought.

Once a sarriyal, always a sarriyal, she thought.

Is this base? Is this base?

Clearly, his winks were some sort of superpower, because I swear that if he asked me to jump from the roof of a tall building and then winked, I’d jump.

Short answer 'No, ' Long answer 'Yes, ' with a 'But

Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. —T-SHIRT

Hmmm... that's interesting.""What?""There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

-You have what they call the complete package, Adders.-What do you know about my package?-No that package, you idiot! You are the complete package! I wasn't talking about what's in your trousers!

Sqwaak!" from Fletcher, the environmental crime fighting parrot in The Big Belch graphic novel by Kay Wood.

Everyone got behind Fox, the name the guys had dubbed the red truck."Fox?" I asked, raising an eyebrow."Yeah, " Isaac said with a grin. "Our truck is hot, like Megan Fox.

So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?""Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I'm afraid the owner will try to get it back.

Wise Child: Why don't you beat me then?Juniper: I can't be bothered.

I have to go. Boss hasthis weird idea that I should actually work while he’s payingme.

[Ella] “Again, I ask, whose side are you on?”[Lola] “The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

Who grins in official circumstances?

I couldn't make it in a chicken world, sir, so I hit the road in search of something better.

It made her want to have his babies and give him both her kidneys.

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson"Oh, that's just a suggestion.

(Brin) 'How good is your lawyer, on a scale of Atticus Finch to Franklin and Bash?

Are they Russian by way of the Ozarks?

I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

No' seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on about that particular topic.

When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win, ’ and drove off.

... I have just experienced the most passionate kiss I've ever received from a guy, and it was on the freaking forehead!

Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That's just .... wrong. On so many levels.

Gilly Gilleshpee

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

Huh, " said Percy. "Never seen Jason fly before. He looks like a blond superman.

The alien in my uncle hand obviously taken full control. Soon, it would claw its way out of his stomach and tap dance across my bed

And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all.

Follow my finger." He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. "Any blurred vision?""Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap." - Joanne Baldwin.