Humor Quotes
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness.
We love ourselves notwithstanding our faults, and we ought to love our friends in like manner.
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
There's something whimsical, satirical, and silly about British humor, which Americans have always enjoyed, and lots of us come over here because we have an audience of people who enjoy it.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.