Humorous Quotes

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Music is like girlfriends to me; I'm continually astonished by the choices other people make.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Shortly after I met my mentor he asked me, ‘Mr. Rohn, how much money have you saved and invested over the last six years?’ And I said, ‘None.’ He then asked, ‘Who sold you on that plan?’

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.

It's 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?

Write drunk; edit sober.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

In Paris, the greatest expression of personal satisfaction known to man is the smirk on the face of a male, highly pleased with himself as he leaves the boudoir of a lady.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

Democrats can't get elected unless things get worse-and things won't get worse unless they get elected.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Every author really wants to have letters printed in the papers. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

The secret of longevity... Is to keep breathing!

A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse.

We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

I don't care how impossible it seems.

Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for 45 minutes.

A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

A toothache, or a violent passion, is not necessarily diminished by our knowledge of its causes, its character, its importance or insignificance.

I leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend parental tyranny, or reward filial disobedience.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around.

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.