Humorous Quotes

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

When one is too old for love, one finds great comfort in good dinners.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Just because your ad looks good is no insurance that it will get looked at. How many people do you know who are impeccably groomed... but dull?

To advertisers: "Do not compete with your agency in the creative area. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?"

Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.

Beer is a wholesome liquor.....it abounds with nourishment

Statistics are no substitute for judgment.

A flatterer never seems absurd: The flatter'd always takes his word.

People are your most valuable asset. Only people can be made to appreciate in value.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

As soon as a friendship passed a certain point - some obscure and secret boundary - a woman quite automatically became overwhelmed by a raging compulsion to complicate things.

I sailed on the cold air currents above the rooftops of Paris. I could see the river, the Louvre Museum, the gardens and palaces. And a mouse-yum. Hang on, Carter, I thought. not hunting mice.

Advertising is like learning - a little is a dangerous thing.

Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.

Obstinate, headstrong girl!

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

I'll have another beer. I'm not driving.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

There's no sauce in the world like hunger.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

I would have made a good pope.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

Fate laughs at probabilities.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

New York has always been going to hell but somehow it never gets there.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Hell is paved with good samaritans.