Humorous Quotes

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

Hell is paved with good samaritans.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

If there was sadness in this creative world of mine, it was a pleasant sadness. If there were problems, they were humorous problems.

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself.

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

A dollar won is twice as sweet as a dollar earned.

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

And I remind you of your mother now? I have got to look into a manlier cologne.

Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies?

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.

Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually Good. Do you realize that?

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

Eventually I would like to touch all the genres. I would like to do some detective stories, and I want to do a Western. I would want to do humorous Westerns.

Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

In business, the competition will bite you if you keep running; if you stand still, they will swallow you.

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

All for one; one for all.

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.

Tax reform means, "Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree."

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.