Humour Quotes

Humour Quote of the day

People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones.

Don't turn blue all over now.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

The difference between doing something and not doing something is doing something.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Two things people throughout history have had in common are hatred and humour. I am proud that I have been able to use humour to lessen people's hatred.

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

All humor is rooted in pain.

Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?

...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?

Oh, I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 10 people at a time!

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes.

What is done cannot be undone, but one can prevent it happening again

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

'Understanding' art is like having a sense of humour - if you don't have one, no amount of explanation is going to make you laugh.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

The world belongs to those who set out to conquer it armed with self confidence and good humour.

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

Humour breaks down boundaries, it topples our self-importance, it connects people, and because it engages and entertains, it ultimately enlightens.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

I love you all, even those I don’t particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.

I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.

Being born in a stable does not make one a horse.

Half my life is an act of revision.

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Fred and George turned to each other and said together, “Wow — we’re identical!

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

How often misused words generate misleading thoughts.

It was as though applied mathematics was my spouse, and pure mathematics was my secret lover.

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Never trust a species that grins all the time. It’s up to something.

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

Just think how many books I could've sold if Harry had been a bit more creative with his wand." -[On the success of 50 Shades of Grey]

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!