Humourous Quotes

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

I think I’ll give the Cage of Death a miss too, ” I said. Crocodiles were fascinating creatures, like living dinosaurs, but they could do their living over there somewhere, far away from me.

The innocent little girl said at the end of her prayer "Jesus, please take care of yourself because if anything happens to you, we are all in trouble

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.

All humans are rogues. Cured only by death.

When in a frying pan, thank your stars. You will reminisce about it moments later, when you fall in the fire.

True friends chop the onions and cry together.

No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away...

...they say [Finn] has tasted the Nuts of Wisdom." Elatha laughed. "Perhaps the Nuts of Wisdom will gird him against your sister.

Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

People can't really sympathize with you properly when you've woken them up

Dark is dark in the darkness.

Just because I am paranoid does not mean that someone is not out to get me

I believe in the 20/80 rule. That's where working an extra 20% faster, harder, or smarter gets you an extra 80% of the rewards.

Never worry about what you say to a man. They're so conceited that they never believe you mean it if it's unflattering.”-Caroline to Ursual.

I love you silly 'holy' book. Here's hoping everybody un-reads it.

Life is easy. Just stay un-dead.

So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.

I've nothing against people. Just a***oles. But then, most people are.

I love religious nuts. They make me remember I have them too. So, being a health nut, I scratch them religiously. Just as I do my butt.

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court.

Who's possessing who now, Casper?

I get this buzz every time I'm quoted online. The ego high... yes... but also a Google Alert.

He’d reached that perilous stage of being drunk enough to think himself a good dancer… but was dangerously close in tipping over to the point where he’d act like an arse

Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same.

Yesterday I bought myself a new, very sharp kitchen knife.And I managed to cut my finger within 5 minutes of getting home!Those plastic packages are bloody dangerous!!!

Help yourself with the state! It's on democracy!

To whomever swapped my tattoo cream for toothpaste........ well played.

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread.