Joke Quotes

Joke Quote of the day

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

A joke's a very serious thing.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

The practical joke is the psychiatry of baseball.

I have never been able to see life as anything but a vast complicated practical joke, and it's better to laugh than cry.

My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.

It would be a bitter cosmic joke if we destroy ourselves due to atrophy of the imagination.

I joke around a lot about the manic times because they're funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature.

There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes his whole universe for a vast practical joke.

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

A Swedish newspaper reporter called and said, You've been awarded the Prize. I was quite sure it was a practical joke.

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.

Lying contains the same hostile elements as a practical joke in that the 'victim' ends up looking foolish in his own eyes and laughable in everyone else's.

Life seemed to be an educator's practical joke in which you spent the first half learning and the second half learning that everything you learned in the first half was wrong.

I used to joke that if acting didn't work out, poetry was my commonsense fallback.

I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren't laughing anymore.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness.

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, 'Do you think I'm Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?' After that, they called me Tuna.

I never really was much of a practical jokester or anything.

Mama is funny. She has a great sense of humor and loves a good joke. Loves a practical joke, too.

I always thought my genitals were the result of some crude practical joke.

Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?

The inmates made jokes about the chair, the way people always make jokes about things that frighten them but can't be gotten away from.

It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water.

I like to prowl ordinary places.I feel sorry for us all or glad for us allcaught alive togetherand awkward in that way.there's nothing better than the jokeof usthe seriousness of usthe dullness of us

Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them.

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die.

Its crazy when people of high moral standards, feel its okay for an intimate friend to insult them in a jovial way, forgeting that even casual friends can do just the same in a jovial way.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

For with dandies, a joke is the only way of making yourself respected.

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of 'proving theorems.' Is a writer's job mainly that of 'writing sentences?

Smile and laugh... Laugh and smile... Laugh and smile every day

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me

True love knows no boundaries.

We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke.

Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you - smile, giggle, or laugh.

You can't deal with being odd?...Become like them...Become drug delear...Live their lifes... have fun...and be honest...

CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.

-I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.