Jokes Quotes

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

I've never really told jokes. I'm not good at it.

sarcasm and jokes were often the bottle in which clinical depressives sent out their most plangent screams for someone to care and help them.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

These jokes the world plays, they're not funny at all.

Failure and unhappiness is easier because you can make a joke out of it.

I have a really analytical approach to art. And the whole idea that you can't analyze what makes a joke funny...I do not agree with that at all.

I don't really want to tell jokes about trivia; I'd kind of rather tell jokes about things like life and death.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

For me, I'm a fan of really dark, depressing stuff. Even something like The Wire, which can be hugely depressing and really serious, the bits I always remember are the jokes, you know?

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made 'em up myself.

[Some people think] that storytelling is telling jokes. So they have to be discouraged! Then others think that storytelling-is like an encounter group . . .

I enjoy Modern Family very much. Good TV program. I don't know why. I just find that so many of the jokes land. So many of the actors are so great. Phil Dunphy is one of my favorite characters ever.

I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I'm telling a lot of jokes about it.

I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject.

I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

I love jokes, but God, jokes can go so wrong. I have stayed up many nights thinking, "F**k. I can't believe I made that silly little joke. That was a disaster."

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

I've hated cockroaches my entire life.Tweeting jokes about it helps me cope, in a way. I'm not as jumpy killing cave crickets as I used to be. I still jump plenty though.

Stand-up in general is the most raw form of entertainment. There is no pyrotechnics or back-up dancers, it's just live and die by your jokes, that's it.

All crises, once averted, become jokes.

All his leisure clothes were absurd - jokes, really - as though leisure itself had to be ridiculed.

I have a lot of people in my life who are truly ridiculous characters, and they're very, very funny people, but they don't really try to be. They're not cracking jokes.

My whole family is very sarcastic and constantly making jokes.

I've never considered stand-up. Luckily I'm given great lines to say. I'm not sure how great my timing would be if I actually had to come up with my own jokes.

I tell the most horrible jokes.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Let's hit the joke once and move on to the next joke and just keep it where we have as many jokes per square inch as possible.

[The people that worked on The Simpsons] just had good taste. They knew how to execute absurd jokes.

I'm just not the outgoing bubble of energy. But if I know you, it's different. Practical jokes. Have fun. I'm not looking for any new friends. I got my friends.

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.

I'm not a comedian. I don't do stand-up. I don't tell jokes. I'm a comedic actor, and approach my work that way. The comedy comes through the character.

I'm not a joke guy; I'm not a stand-up comic.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

You have to begin to develop a repertory of jokes, multi-plane spiritual jokes, the sort of things the Zen masters tell each other when they're asleep. These are the secret teachings.

A world is in flames, and you are cracking silly jokes.

I'm always ready for TV. I don't have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

I've got foundation jokes, the ones that got me where I am, so everything I do just builds on top of that.

I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I'll bring those old ones back because the fans love them.