Jokes Quotes

Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.

I always remember writing a page of jokes for a comedian and handing it to him backstage at a club and he read it and then took his cigarette lighter and lit the page on...

... the majority of us scarcely see more distinctly the faultiness of our own conduct than the faultiness of our own arguments, orthe dulness [sic] of our own jokes.

Every time a woman makes herself laugh at her husband's often-told jokes she betrays him. The man who looks at his woman and says 'What would I do without you?' is already destroyed.

Jokes are generally honest. Complete solemnity is always dishonest.

Plato was only a Bernard Shaw who unfortunately made his jokes in Greek.

My life is passed in making bad jokes and seeing them turn into true prophecies.

Whether a man chooses to tell the truth in long sentences or short jokes is a problem analogous to whether he chooses to tell the truth in French or in German.

Pain is beyond reason, an obliterating giant stupidity to which all your history of jokes and nuance and ideas and caresses is nothing, simply nothing.

I'm really bad at writing jokes.

But there's times when I like to find the strange angles to something. People go, 'I heard a lot of jokes like that, but that's one of the most interesting takes I heard.' That's what I try to do.

A joke is necessary at this time.

When my mother died, I had to go on air that night and do jokes.

The reasons I never set out to do a talk show is they're formulaic. People come out, tell jokes and read questions. But that's not what I do, and we built the show around my skill set.

If they invent a car that runs on stupid jokes, you could go far.

I'm a fun person. I like cracking jokes and being completely nerdy.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

When you put yourself in environments that continually test you, that's where all the good stories come from. That's where the jokes come from is from the shitty parts.

If mankind is naturally good, he is sure going against his nature more and more of the time. It sounds like a bad joke: the paranoids are after us.

America has got to learn to take a joke.

Never joke at funerals, or during business transactions.

It is almost a joke, but a joke that nobody tells.

He was saying that the end of the world wasn't an accident; it was a joke.

If nothing is delightful without love and jokes, then live in love and jokes.

What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually have a joke. I don't tell jokes much. I tell little stories.

I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000, but I will not make that mistake again. The joke is over for Nader. He was funny once, but now he belongs to the dead.

For generations comedians have made jokes about Scots-Irish in the South inter-breeding. "I am my own grandpa" and all that stuff; you know, because they all were marrying their first cousins.

I enjoy life. I always enjoy jokes.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed?" she jeered. "Jokes? No,no, these are manners," replied Dumbledore.

I joke sometimes that I live a protracted adolescence, that a part of me will always be twelve years old.

As though all the world were a bad joke and she was the only one around who knew the punchline.

I now have two different audiences. There's the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting.

Always warm up the audience with a joke....If you are not a particularly funny person, make sure that you inform them that it's a joke.

Jokes are very curious things psychologically.

My friends joke because I will take my clothes off, at the drop of a hat.

In my early writing, all of my characters were exactly the same person. They all spoke the same, made the same types of jokes, reacted the same, etc. I think they were all just me in disguise.

What incensed him the most was the blatant jokes of the ones that passed it all off as a jest, pretending to understand everything and in reality not knowing their own minds.

Man, after all my grandma put into me learning the piano, that was a hard day, telling her I was telling jokes for a living.

When you're an older woman [in a movie] you tend to be in - how did you put it? You're the brunt of the joke.

As you can tell from watching the show, I'm not a strong joke writer per se.

I still feel threatened by academics, but my books have a lot of academic in-jokes and everybody assumes I went to university and studied English.

Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.

The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary.

People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.

You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke thief," I just tell them to come to one of my shows.

My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.

My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.