Jokes Quotes

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

I don't like to joke about dating.

I don't have any jokes about my divorce or my ex-husband, who is a lovely person. It really is about how I was an idiot trying to push this guy to get married when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to.

It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.

I don't do jokes about elections so that's probably why it went okay for me, except for the crazy people that are hate-crime people.

There is laughter, shrill calls. Everyone is flirting, saying in nudges and jokes and blushing what they would do in private

When I was governor, if I told a joke in front of the press - I learned. I would go, "That was a joke, joke, joke," and I'd say it three times.

When you have a cast and crew of people who make it light hearted and crack jokes, and break treats, and understand that we are all in this together. That's a biggest plus that you can have.

I mean, this is a joke, to try to implicate me as like a friend of the Russians.

Donald Trump was very receptive. Funny. Cracked some jokes. And understand it very well. And said he was in that he would work with us.

I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.

Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them.

Regular panelists on shows can be terrifying. They own that space, and many guest comics suspect they are favoured in the edit, while their own hilarious jokes end up being ejected into the ether.

Check out the very best of Hollywood jokes that will make you laugh

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

I got a pit bull from a shelter, so my whole life is centered on this dog, and I've been writing a lot of dog jokes. I should probably give up now, because I'm writing jokes about my dog.

I don't mind being the brunt of a joke, so long as it's a good one.

I have no skills. I mean, I can make jokes, I'm pretty good at talking to people on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I can figure out what makes a pretty good story, and I can make eggs really well.

You can make jokes but [ George Clooney] is everything that anyone's ever said about him.

Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them.

I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don't get a laugh but I love them so they stay.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

I used to joke that I was trying to sell out, and nobody would buy me.

Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

Round-heads and Wooden-shoes are standing jokes.

Gratuitous fat jokes always hurt, no matter what.

Surprise makes a joke funny. I love it when someone tells me something I couldn't possibly have expected; you've been led along one path and - bang! - the joke comes out of nowhere.

All of my jokes were about not being able to meet anybody. I didn't have any insight into anything - even my own insecurities.

I literally cannot remember one joke.

Humor is his defense mechanism, so that would allow me to talk about some serious subjects, but get a lot of hilarious jokes in.

I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this.

When I first started on Twitter, a relative asked, 'Aren't you concerned with giving away your jokes?' I don't think of it that way. That's my content, and that's what I do.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh.

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!

You can make a movie that's more focused on the jokes, but Young Adult was not that kind of movie.

Improv requires your audience to be informed about what improv is. With stand-up, anybody can sit down and watch stand-up and laugh at jokes.

I don't think there would be many jokes, if there weren't constant frustration and fear and so forth. It's a response to bad troubles like crime.

I think jokes are a perfectly viable form of literature. Some critics take issue with me because I make my points and discuss my ideas with jokes, rather than with oceanic tragedy.

A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap.

All the great story lines are great practical jokes that people fall for over and over again.

That's what my books are, now that I'm a grownup - mosaics of jokes.