Jokes Quotes

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

I actually like jokes as well as things that are sort of fun.

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.

Neil Hamburger writes such cutting jokes.

Hey, that's life, flick it off if you can't take a joke.

Seinfeld has his way of telling jokes - and I'm not comparing myself to Seinfeld, his genius is observing the small details of everyday life and finding humor in it.

People keep referring to me as a standup, and that just doesn't sit well with me because a lot of my friends are standups and they're brilliant at writing jokes, and I'm not.

I learned as a young man that I don't write jokes, but that I can deliver more mundane material and get a laugh. I call myself a humorist.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.

It seems to me that romantic comedies used to be about falling in love, but in recent years they've really become just comedies where the love story is only there as a spine to hang the jokes on.

I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.

If you're going to have a book full of clever people and nobody ever jokes, it's just not going to ring true to the reader. That said, humor writing is the hardest kind of writing there is.

Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, This is where I wanna be.

All the truly great stand-ups say, "I go onstage, and I work on jokes. The inspiration will happen while I'm doing my work." To me, in the end, the surest thing is work.

The reason most comedies don't win awards is that the filmmakers put the comedy first. This means you have to create a story around the jokes.

You can never have a thousand percent batting average on jokes - it's just never going to happen.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

Part of what I do comes from the fact that I don't know any jokes to tell. And when I do they're really flat and don't work.

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

jokes are ideally pleasurable. They are an act of assassination without a corpse, a moment of total annihilation that paradoxically makes anything possible.

Penn & Teller stopped doing practical jokes, and the reason is we got much too good at it.

For the amount of talent I had (and I couldn't dance, act, or tell a joke) I enjoyed a tremendous career.

Never, never tell jokes about a man with easy access to weapons of mass destruction.

As for jokes, I don't think it's necessarily that what I write is funny.

I keep to a minimum dialect, in-jokes about football (soccer) teams and soap opera characters, so as not to lose North American readers.

If I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes.

Twitter taught me how to become better at writing jokes because it forces you to chip away at all the extraneous words.

Call me Meier," Goring said, but he did not pause to explain the joke .

I certainly got the jokes within the joke, dressing up in a wet suit, sitting in a Twingo, scaling a rubber mountain, dressing up and stealing a diamond, of course. If not now, when?

I'm not a man who constantly thinks up jokes.

If you think something's funny, go with that. Most comedians pull jokes from a place of honesty.

I love belts. My husband always jokes with me, because he always calls me out on my belts, he's always like, "Just belt it, like you always say."

I remember, growing up, if something big - God forbid - happened, the first jokes you heard on the subject came out of Jersey.

I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to write insults. If you ask the man of the hour in the hot seat, my mere existence is clearly insult enough.

Russell Crowe likes to tell jokes, which I can't. I can't remember a joke to save my life. I don't have a brain for it.

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.

Zen people love Buddha so tremendously that they can even play jokes upon him. It is out of great love; they are not afraid.

I am not against marriage - without marriage, ninety-nine percent jokes will disappear from the world. How I can be against marriage? I am all for it.

Beware of jokes from which we go away hollow and ashamed.

The reason of idleness and of crime is the deferring of our hopes. Whilst we are waiting, we beguile the time with jokes, with sleep, with eating, and with crimes.

The best of my songs are more than just a joke. There's something else going on - a character, or it's not just a plain joke.

This is why Jessica Biel is a successful actress: because, despite the punchlines, you know how to tell a joke.

If I do not do sensible things about investments I shall spend my old age in a workhouse, where nobody will understand my jokes.

I'm not really very funny, I just keep recycling jokes.

You can either just have fun with the joke or you can have fun with the joke and think about the implication of it. It's totally up to the listener.

Donald Trump has shown that he will essentially attack individuals, make Second Amendment jokes.

You make a joke out of everything. Life’s too painful not to.

I heard some interesting things about your performance up here." "I hear interesting things about your 'performance' all the time Doug, but you don't hear me making jokes about it.