Jokes Quotes

A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.

Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.

Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo?

I prefer sayings over jokes.

The State trained us to make other people's terrible jokes work, which is the other part of the game when you're here.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

I can tell jokes. I can talk to the audience. I can relax. I can change my songs whenever I want. I can change the tempos. I can change the mood, because I'm in charge.

My greatest regret as a writer is that I've never been able to include as many jokes as I'd like.

You can read Kant by yourself, if you wanted to; but you must share a joke with someone else.

There's usually nothing in a guy's joke in which we have to understand what's going on in someone else's mind.

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

I don't suppose God laughs at the people who think He doesn't exist. He's above jokes. But the devil isn't. That's one of his most endearing qualities.

I never used to tell jokes on stage. Now I'm cutting up jokes all night long.

I could never be a professional comedian, 'cause you have to keep telling the same jokes. For me, they're like word solos.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

Most of my favorite tweets go completely ignored but most of my favorite tweets are probably really lame or inside jokes between me and my [redacted]. See what I did there?

They are "sexcellent". That is a pun for you, you will find lots of puns on the internet! Also: blonde jokes.

If you find you are not understanding my explaination for a joke, hit F5 on your browser and the page will refresh and I will explain it again.

I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show.

I joke that I spent 38 years scouring the globe, going to war zones, trying to find the person with my exact birthday.

I'm not sure how anyone with a soul can make jokes about the passing of one of the most talented artists this generation will see.

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

The joke or the pratfall is easy for me to do.

I make terrible jokes every time I go into a hospital. I think it's a defence mechanism.

It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.

I don't really care for like fat jokes about women, specifically.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

Shakespeare drew a map of the human mind as clearly as Newton mapped the heavens. Wht is one considered science and the other fir only to be mocked with jokes about pretty girls and drury lane?

That's how myths are born. Out of our carelessness, out of our tattered nerves, out of jokes that go wrong and flashy gestures.

Even if you know a character really well, there's no formula for what jokes will work and what won't.

Michael Jackson was a joker to his core. He loved a good joke especially if it's displayed on somebody else.

I think the jokes would have been a bit broader and a bit more obvious in terms of the day-to-day of country life.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.

Trust Emmett to find the joke in the destruction of my life.

I don't want to be 60 years old standing on stage telling some jokes. I want my life to mean something.

I tell jokes for a check; I'm on TV for a check.

Working at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes.

I think of myself as a writer with a sense of humour rather than a comedy writer. Happy to tell a story with lots of jokes in it - I wouldn't know how to do jokes without the story.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

A joke is a joke or the image of a truth.

I always joke that I'd like to be a cat 'cause then I'll have nine lives, and then I can do like everything. But that's really hard.

I'm banned from Middlebrook elementary for telling dirty jokes to the janitor. The janitor! He cleans up dirt for a living.

When people come in to act on the show, we say, "Just be extremely dry and not funny. Let the idea be the joke." That holds true through a lot of our stuff.