Jokes Quotes

Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before.

Q: What do Jesus and Nicole Brown Simpson have in common? A: They were both killed by the Joooooooose.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

In one decade, women had gotten more protection against offensive jokes in the workplace than men had gotten in centuries against being killed in the workplace.

If you live right, death is a joke to you as far as fear is concerned.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

His whole personality was like an elaborate joke that he never stopped telling.

I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don't get a laugh but I love them so they stay.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

The whole experience of doing a sitcom is... Telling jokes with such precision is really exciting, but it's also terrifying.

We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.

I had to keep the text pretty spare compared to what I would typically do in a picture book. My picture books have a lot of little jokes and asides that aren't necessarily part of the main story.

We actually talked about Adam Sandler during the creation of 'Trolls,' because he does know how to time jokes.

If I could email my jokes to the crowd and get the same immediate response [as during stand-up], I'd do that.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.

For every ten jokes you acquire a hundred enemies.

I see myself as a huge dork that laughs at my own jokes and forgets to shower sometimes.

I am edgy, raw, offensive, vulgar, untruthful, but intelligent. My jokes are always realistic. I do not make fun of children or people who cannot fight back. That is my limitation.

I am not so secretly a comedian. I write a lot of my own material if you've seen videos I've done. I write jokes.

Trust Emmett to find the joke in the destruction of my life.

I used to joke that I was trying to sell out, and nobody would buy me.

I don't want to be 60 years old standing on stage telling some jokes. I want my life to mean something.

There were many times when I kept silent about being Jewish as I got older, when Jewish jokes were told.

I tell jokes for a check; I'm on TV for a check.

I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for...well let's say a few dollars more.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

Donald Trump was seen for quite a long time as a punchline, the jokes about the excesses and the failures of the 1980s. And he had become, you know, a human shingle and a punchline.

It would drive the photographers crazy because I would giggle and tell jokes. I was gregarious, and looking back, I realize I had a captive audience.

I always joke that I'd like to be a cat 'cause then I'll have nine lives, and then I can do like everything. But that's really hard.

I'm banned from Middlebrook elementary for telling dirty jokes to the janitor. The janitor! He cleans up dirt for a living.

When people come in to act on the show, we say, "Just be extremely dry and not funny. Let the idea be the joke." That holds true through a lot of our stuff.

Improv requires your audience to be informed about what improv is. With stand-up, anybody can sit down and watch stand-up and laugh at jokes.

Working with Preme is always a dream come true. It's never like "I'm here and I'm comfortable." It's always like that very first time. It's a lot of jokes being cracked and we have a lot of fun.

Round-heads and Wooden-shoes are standing jokes.

You can make a movie that's more focused on the jokes, but Young Adult was not that kind of movie.

Gratuitous fat jokes always hurt, no matter what.

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!

Surprise makes a joke funny. I love it when someone tells me something I couldn't possibly have expected; you've been led along one path and - bang! - the joke comes out of nowhere.

There are always a lot of jokes and good vibes floating through the studio so tattooing all day doesn't feel like a job. It's rewarding to see my clients as excited as I am.

When I first started on Twitter, a relative asked, 'Aren't you concerned with giving away your jokes?' I don't think of it that way. That's my content, and that's what I do.

At some point, you realize that people might be laughing at your jokes because they're afraid not to laugh.