Life Humor Quotes

The stupidest people suddenly become a little cleverer when we learn that they think well of us

The quickest way to get over something you loved and lost is to get another one.

I'd be lying if I said killing off characters wasn't therapeutic in some way.

Death can come slow. Death can come quick. If you've got one last breath, you better make the most of it.

If your life was complete, you'd be dead.

How is it that food STILL contains calories that make you gain weight in the 21st CENTURY?! It’s like scientists aren’t even trying!

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.

I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.

EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--But if you’re a worm, sleep late.

I've been embarrassing myself since about birth.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

I'm not sure if there's one right place I'm supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I'd give a second try in a heartbeat.

I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.

After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”“You do have that effect on people.

I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead

I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.

I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else.

I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.

Тo me, the future doesn’t seem real. It’s just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don’t have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour.

I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple

Giving is the only way of taking part

What's the use of complaining about something you have no intentions of changing it?

Smartass Disciple: Why we shouldn’t judge others? Master of Stupidity: Don’t! Unless you are paid for it.

Smartass Disciple: Master, I’m going to change the whole world.Master of Stupidity: It changes within you. It changes without you.

I never talk back. I listen and always remember your every word, so come pen or mouse, never forget that I will treasure your thoughts forever. Yours truly, Paper.

Smartass Disciple: Master, I want to eradicate all corruptions in this world.Master of Stupidity: Let it be a bit! Otherwise you'll make us jobless for good.

Where else, " I will say, "does an old turtle crossing the path Make all the difference in the world?

Sometimes we can focus so much on nothing that we make it a big something of nothing

Writing is turning life's worst moments into money.

I write what I want to read. If I were to write what I know, I'd be staring at a blank page forever.

That’s what being alive is, Thing! It’s being badly prepared for everything! Because you only get one chance, Thing!

I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.

I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.

I had a dream about you last night... you were there.

I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it.

I had a dream about you last night.. You thought you were a candy vampire, you were standing in the sun screaming 'I'm melting.

I had a dream about you last night... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.

I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.

I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.

I had a dream about you last night. We went to the store cupboard to make out, but we ended up sharing our pain and then crying together. We wasn't prepared for this level of intimacy.

I had a dream about you last night... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.

I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.