Life Humor Quotes

I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.

I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.

I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.

I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

I had a dream about you last night... you were crying over spilt ink screaming "the words, the what could have been beautiful words.

I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.

I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.

I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.

I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.

Learning the difference between God's intervention, the devil's mischief, and PMS can lead to increased happiness.

Let others scream, because ultimately you know your story

With the world's fate resting on your shoulder - you're gonna need someone on your side.You can't do it by yourself any longer - you're gonna need someone on your side.

Don't expect the unexpected. Let the unexpected expect you.

Always walk as if you’re running late, it’s healthier.

Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver.

The main causes for divorceare marriages.

It is in the midst of laughter that our perspective alters and we realize this trying life can still be enjoyed.

I don't have any special talents, just an ordinary desire to live like a human being.

Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that’s beautiful.

Realism is criminal.

Pardon me for not being willing to commit my entire future to you based on two kisses and a blueberry muffin.

Fair enough…No inhaling battery acid, ” I smirk. “We can’t breathe batteryacid, can we?

The trouble with cousins, Lizabeth thought, was that they knew all about you, even your allergies.

My brain has a mind of its own.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

Philosophers, Poets and Fools have similar Consciousness

Life never goes according to plan. That's okay, because often our plans are much smaller than life intends. Probably EASIER, but smaller.

If really god is there, then God created us.If really god is not there, then we created God(Our creativity).

I don't eat food, I eat fat.

The truth is, I feel myself being fascinated and repelled by her: She's both a mirror of myself and a door to part of this island that I'm not.

I'll take risk on what I do on my life . Just mind your own business .

Avoid the stage of old age sit in the audience, it's all the rage

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead

Your present interests are not a solid basis of a career decisions. So, stop following your passion and Do What Is Valuable.!

Help people.Be interested.Make a difference.Live passionately.Go comando.

You are the light of the world. Shine brightly. Smile beautifully! Rejoice daily!

Jealousy is not a result of love. It is a result of crossed relationship boundaries. Love and relationships should not be confused.

Step ahead immediately and do what you have to do before it's too late.

Parenthood is a walk in the park...A park full of scorpions that you can't leave without jumping through fiery hoop on a pogo stick.

Everyone wants a piece of you. The trick is what piece to give.

Genius feels like an over extended Helium balloon about to burst, and everyone criticizes you for not having a conventional way of coping with it.

When I hear that people live by the book, I always wonder which one.

I don't know about you, but this whole life thing has been the cause of all my problems.

Smiles are a funny thingand laughter is hilarious.I smile sometimeswhen I am delirious.