Mystery Quotes

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.

Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.

Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.

She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.

In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.

Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after.

Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me.

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.

Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.

Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.

Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.

There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.

You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.

Always listen to your dog.

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

He held up his hand, and in it was... Oh, God. The neon-pink vibrator, glowing in the dark now. It was following her, stalking her, all the way down the yellow brick road to hell.

He's just a flash in the pants.

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

If I go to prison, will you arrange conjugal visits?

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court.

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet.

You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.

Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.

I had escaped the snare of certitude that I welcomed so avidly at first and entered, via the name of Jesus, the wide and comprehensive company of Jesus.

When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, "because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead.

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen

Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.