Sarcastic Quotes

Sarcastic Quote of the day

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.'

History repeats itself, the first as tragedy, then as farce.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

She is a peacock in everything but beauty!

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

It is true that liberty is precious; so precious that it must be carefully rationed.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

When a hunter is in a tree stand with high moral values and with the proper hunting ethics and richer for the experience, that hunter is 20 feet closer to God.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.