So Funny Quotes

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!

A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it.

It's sort of an action flick. You can't be that funny trying to steal diamonds.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

I am severely distracted these days. It's hard to sit in front of the computer, uploading bad music for hours, when you have a wonderful boyfriend who treats you like a Goddess.

All wrong doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best thing to do.

I've never been to a prom or a dance; so it's funny, because we have dances on the show, and I'll be like, 'Oh yay! It's my school dance!'

I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?

I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.

He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir.

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.

I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.

The serve was invented so that the net could play.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

Going into a game against Lew Alcindor [later Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] is like going into a knife fight and finding there's no blade in your handle.

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.

If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards.

Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

Life is very important to Americans.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

Judgement comes from experience, and great judgement comes from bad experience.

In comedy, though, it's good to get feedback from the audience about what they find funny.

You've got to try and do your best, and the failure is what's funny. But you can't be aware of the failure, you've just got to keep trying to do your best.

Well, I had said to my friends, it's going to be good, but I bet it's going to be cheesy in a way. And I didn't think that at all. It's so good and was just so funny.

I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood.

Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.

Isn't it funny the way some combinations of words can give you--almost apart from their meaning--a thrill like music?

The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.

I've been noticing gravity since I was very young.

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

Cessation of work is not accompanied by cessation of expenses

I'm aiming by the time I'm fifty to stop being an adolescent.

The Christian church is a society of sinners. It is the only society in the world membership in which is based upon the single qualification that the candidate shall be unworthy of membership.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

Beethoven can't really be great because his picture isn't on a bubble gum card.