So Funny Quotes

They call Ray Robinson the best fighter, pound for pound. I'm the best fighter, ounce for ounce.

The first step in exceeding your customer's expectations is to know those expectations.

The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

When people ask me what 'American Pie' means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to.

I was in a band called The Valentines and they broke up last week.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.

Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A true batsman should in most of his strokes tell the truth about himself.

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes.

When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'

Sure, I have advice for people starting to write. Don't. I don't need the competition.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

High sticking, tripping, slashing, spearing, charging, hooking, fighting, unsportsmanlike conduct, interference, roughing......everything else is just figure skating.

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.

Don't cry for a man who's left you--the next one may fall for your smile.

The dumbest people I know are those who know it all.

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Copy and paste is a design error.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because listen to pop music?

It's a funny thing... but people mostly have it backward. They think they live by what they want. But really, what guides them is what they're afraid of. What they don't want.

Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush.

At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.

Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.