So Funny Quotes

I think my idea of retirement might be to one day work a 40-hour week.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

Humanism was not invented by man, but by a snake who suggested that the quest for autonomy might be a good idea.

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.

Deliberate with caution, but act with decision and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness.

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

Get out the rye bread and mustard grandma, cause it's GRAND SALAMI TIME!

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love

If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.

It's hard to get lost if you don't know where you're going.

Ronald Regan doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange.

We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I don't care how much you may think they're funny or how interesting they may sound. If we nominate someone that 40 to 50 percent of our party doesn't - can't stand, we are going to lose.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Most people are willing to take the Sermon on the Mount as a flag to sail under, but few will use it as a rudder by which to steer.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

I have 4 kids already, I don’t need anymore. I’m a single parent. I’m taking them through Europe and make them play funny instruments.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

The superior man makes the difficulty to be overcome his first interest; success only comes later.

Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred, then a thousand more.

I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you lose.

Funny how the love be fake...but I ain't stressin'. Thankful for the love that's genuine...appreciate the blessin'.

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

Be precise. A lack of precision is dangerous when the margin of error is small.

Funny, isn't it, how your whole life goes by while you think you're only planning the way you're going to live it?

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.