So Funny Quotes

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

When I first started running, I was so embarrassed I'd walk when cars passed me. I'd pretend I was looking at the flowers!

When someone says, "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I want done," give him a lollipop.

Truth is what stands the test of experience.

They misunderestimated me.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.

There will be good days and bad, which means that some days I may be cranky and some days really cranky!

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom.

God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.

To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted.

When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have nonsense respected.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

There is no difference between religion and politics. Both involve lies and fanatical beliefs that generaly defy logic... Just like rock climbing.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

Parrots, tortoises and redwoods live a longer life than men do; Men a longer life than dogs do; Dogs a longer life than love does.

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.

There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets.

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

My dream was to be either a volleyball player or a veterinarian.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

It's funny looking at yourself. You know how it is when you look back at old pictures? It's just funny looking back at yourself walking and talking at age 14

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

The lunatic fringe wags the underdog.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

Funny how you can live a whole life waiting and not know it.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

I think there's something odd about eating another living anything.

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.

Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you.

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you