So Funny Quotes

Insist upon yourself. Be original.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

I love funny women, and just being around them talking is fine with me. I love an interesting mind.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'

Nickelback walks into a bar...there's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.

To the people I forgot, you weren't on my mind for some reason and you probably don't deserve any thanks anyway.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are.

He who laughs.....lasts.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

After I saw Jimmy [Hendrix] play, I just went home and wondered what the f*** I was going to do with my life.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Happiness should always remain a bit incomplete. After all, dreams are boundless.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You're not funny and nobody likes you!

It feels a little bit funny coming here and telling you guys that Linux and open source are the future of gaming. It's sort of like going to Rome and teaching Catholicism to the pope.

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

If you're not getting older, you're dead.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother.

There's no better friend than a sister.

Beer ... a high and mighty liquor.