So Funny Quotes

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas.

This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important.

Travel like Ghandi, with simple clothes, open eyes and an uncluttered mind.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.

Life is laughter when seen in a long shot, but it is a tragedy when seen in a close-up.

I'm stingy and I'm proud of the reputation.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

Make money your god, and it will plague you like the devil.

How can I lose to such an idiot?

When I want to know what France thinks, I ask myself.

He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My friends, there are no friends.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

The hateful reviews are very funny. And sometimes you can enjoy a hateful review much more than a good review.

That old funny-shaped bit of wood is still staring me in the face every day saying 'come on, you haven't started yet!' It's infinite.

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

I don't try to be funny. It's just that I feel the world is a little bit absurd and off-kilter and I'm sort of reporting.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared I might kill Schmeling.

To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy.

My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay that way.

Irish Alzheimer's: you forget everything except the grudges

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

In physics, you don't have to go around making trouble for yourself - nature does it for you.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get back. The key is don't leave until you have solved both problems.

Do not use a cannon to kill a mosquito.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play the piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.