So Funny Quotes

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry.

It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster.

The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.

You don't realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth.

I can be reasonably funny and light-hearted when I'm in the company of good friends, but I'm not a jokesmith. I tend to be quite serious.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Hockey s a funny game. You have to prove yourself every shift, every game. It's not up to anybody else. You have to take pride in yourself.

If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she's wearing your best sweater.

Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."

Most people's major life changes don't come from reading an article in the newspaper; they come from reading longer-form essays or thoughtful books, which are much more convincing and detailed.

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.

What am I thankful for? MY POLKA DOTS!!

...no one is born a great cook, one learns by doing.

Keep running after a dog and he will never bite you.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

The days pass happily with me wherever my ship sails.

Humor is the mask of wisdom.

The earth has a skin and that skin has diseases; one of its diseases is called man.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.

But you shall not escape my iambics.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I find that when I tell lawyer jokes to a mixed audience, the lawyers don't think they're funny and the non-lawyers don't think they're jokes.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

The Black Parade has to go home soon, so you're gonna be stuck with My Chemical Romance. I'm sorry. That singer has a despicable mouth, he dresses funny, and he can't sing!

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

The average Hollywood film star's ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman and have a French boyfriend.

You know you're living right when you wake up, brush your hair - and confetti falls out!

Funny how gentle people get with you once you're dead.

I'm lazy. But it's the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn't like walking or carrying things.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'