So Funny Quotes

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Farts and poop are still funny and will always be funny.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

When you lose a couple of times, it makes you realize how difficult it is to win.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Become goddesses of disobedience.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

Between friends differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality.

A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

Whatever advice you give, be short.

Yes, about ten minutes.

I am a sundial, and I make a botch Of what is done much better by a watch.

There is a 'sanctity' involved with bringing a child into this world: it is better than bombing one out of it.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure.

I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit and vegetables.

I am not fond of speaking about politics because I don't have in my possession an army of 200,000 soldiers.

You Too? I thought I was the only one.

A man who does not think and plan long ahead will find trouble right at his door.

The perfecting of one's self is the fundamental base of all progress and all moral development.

The superior man acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his action.

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Yeah. Some people just don't understand when their facial hair starts to look ridiculous.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

There is no such thing as an ugly woman.

The joy of music should never be interrupted by a commercial.

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I tend to head for what's amusing because a lot of things aren't happy. But usually you can find a funny side to practically anything.

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.