So Funny Quotes

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.

Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.

I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Percy looked at his friends. “I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful.

Luckily for me, I became a rap star so I'm making enough money to support my family. It's funny because that may seem like the only way that I can do such a task.

Can't you read? The score demands 'con amore,' and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Guitarists should be able to pick up the guitar and play music on it for an hour, without a rhythm section or anything.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Let me have men about me that are fat, Sleek-headed-men, and such as sleep o'nights; Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look; he thinks too much; such men are dangerous.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

In my world, everything has the potential to be funny. Joyful things, painful things... It's all about how you view it and if you're able to take an objective stance on the situation.

Nothing said I had to crash.

There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Music has been my playmate, my lover, and my crying towel.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

You can talk any redneck into a challenge. That’s why so many rednecks die in strange ways.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

To see and listen to the wicked is already the beginning of wickedness.

In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.

Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as possible.

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

"No comment" is a comment.

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing.

I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.

If you assume you haven't learned anything yet, there's no reason your playing can't stay dynamic all your life.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

I’ve long advised that bloggers seeking to make money from blogging spread their interests across multiple revenue streams so as not to put all their eggs in one basket.

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

Living with computers gives funny ideas.

What is it like to be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?

I make more mistakes than anyone else I know, and sooner or later, I patent most of them.

Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.