So Funny Quotes

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

A book is really like a lover. It arranges itself in your life in a way that is beautiful.

One of life's most painful moments comes when we must admit that we didn't do our homework, that we are not prepared.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

Even the gods love jokes.

I smash guitars because I like them.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Although always prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it should be postponed.

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I'm the one guy who says don't force the stupid people to be quiet - I want to know who the morons are.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.

Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts longer.

You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

I heave the basketball; I know it sails in a parabola, exhibiting perfect symmetry, which is interrupted by the basket. It's funny, but it is always interrupted by the basket.

I got nasty habits; I take tea at three.

Men feel that women somehow drag them down, and women feel that way about men. It's possible that both are right.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

College is a refuge from hasty judgment.

An aching tooth is better out than in. To lose a rotting member is a gain.

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.

Learn to use the criticism as fuel and you will never run out of energy.

I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

That's history. I say history because it happened in the past.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Give me a guitar and I'll play; give me a stage and I'll perform; give me an auditorium and I'll fill it.

An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head.

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

It's really funny, because if you make up words, then people project their own meanings onto it, which I find interesting.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.