So Funny Quotes

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."

Do not be in a hurry to succeed. What would you have to live for afterwards? Better make the horizon your goal; it will always be ahead of you.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose.

I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.

I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical."

For an actress to be a success, she must have the face of Venus, the brains of a Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of a Macaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

In every American there is an air of incorrigible innocence, which seems to conceal a diabolical cunning.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Truth, after all, wears a different face to everybody, and it would be too tedious to wait till all were agreed.

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.

I am all in favour of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Purple Haze all in my brain, lately things don't seem the same. Actin' funny but I don't know why. 'Scuse me while I kiss the sky.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.