So Funny Quotes

A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse.

Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I'm 50. I'll try anything. Except I won't do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!

Any fool can carry on, but a wise man knows how to shorten sail in time.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice.

If people don't like me for whatever I do, for being me, then that's too bad. I don't want to change to be something that I'm not for other people to like me.

I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself.

Excessive animal protein is at the core of many chronic diseases.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

I'm one of the most decorated tag teams ever!

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

If you want to succeed in life...you must pick 3 bones to carry with you at all times: a wish bone, a backbone, and a funny bone.

He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not. Old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

I got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be?

As I learned from growing up, you don't mess with your grandmother.

Anything happens in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!

You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.