So Funny Quotes

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.

I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Its so funny whenever things come full circle.

When a piece gets difficult, make faces.

Humor is most powerful thing that uses laughter as it base to chase your blues away.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

I do like to believe there is no stupid and or funny question because in fact if we don't ask than we don't learn.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

In opera, there is always too much singing.

As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Life is a near-death experience.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Life is like a Ferrari, it goes too fast. But that's ok, because you can't afford it anyway.

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

Basketballs dont hold grudges!

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

This is getting funny, but there ain't nobody laughing.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

The grinding of the intellect is for most people as painful as a dentists drill.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.